Miracle

Webster's dictionary defines "miracle" as "a marvel ("a wonder, something very astonishing",) a supernatural ("being above or beyond nature") event." A marvel or supernatural event! I read an article in a magazine recently given to me by a man whom I respect very much, and the topic was the relatively new idea of recovery from mental illness. There is a huge consumer movement in this country, consumers of mental health services, and I am a part of it. We are no longer willing to be mistreated, ignored, joked about and not taken seriously. Until just less than one year ago I was unaware of this snowballing movement, and unaware of the concept of recovery from mental illness. This recovery idea is elusive and misunderstood, and not clearly defined by either consumer or mental health professional, such as a psychiatrist or psychologist. There is no universally accepted, definitive answer or model for recovery, just the budding, exciting proof of resilience within the world of consumers, who are taking a stand and demanding to be listened to, as well as the professionals who believe in our future. Of course, until there is a plan, a written and popularly understood, mapped out and researched model of what exactly recovery means to the mental health world, it is perhaps impossible to strive for. If no one can agree and understand exactly what recovery is, how can one strive for it and achieve it? In the ten years I've been diagnosed with Bipolar I disorder, I've never been urged to believe I could recover, just perhaps be as comfortable as possible. Four years ago my illness reached its pinnacle, its terrifying head, and I was not functioning in even the slightest way. The psychosis I had feared and dreaded all my life, the sort that is accompanied by auditory and visual hallucinations and horrifying delusions, the king of them all, had landed firmly in my brain and just insisted upon staying there and making a cozy spot in which to build an eternal home. My depressions and manias were so staggering and destructive, the need to end my life so deep, that I lost every single thing I had in this world, simply because I had lost the ability to be human and recognize myself. After relieving myself of the unattainable duty of working by getting on disability, changing my geography and living situation entirely, getting and staying on a regimen of medications that relieved my symptoms and let me relax, I began the four-year migration from insanity to sanity, from non-functioning to functioning. Slowly I remembered who I was, slowly my personality and sense of humor returned, slowly my attention span was lenthened, and slowly I craved social interaction and was ready to step out of the shadows. This is when, as I said was less than a year ago, I joined NAMI and attended the MS Leadership Academy. I'm still unsure about the concept of recovery, I mean, am I recovered? Not fully, if you consider the determining factor to be full-time employment, but again- there is no recovery model that lays out what it means to recover from mental illness. But I do have part-time employment, and mentor a class, as well as help with the MS Leadership Academy. Then there's the matter of this little blog, the outlet for me to share with whomever is reading my opinions (which are many) and feelings about whatever I choose! It's part of how I contribute to the consumer movement, how I put my best foot forward to tell the world that I am not ashamed of my illness or my life. Yes, mental illness has snatched some precious things from my hands, but it has taught me compassion, tenacity and strength that I am proud to live with every day, and I know that nothing can break me. This makes for a woman ready and willing to take up the cause of my peers and stand up for our rights as people living with serious mental illness. And the miracle is that after living a lifetime with mental illness, I know how to appreciate my happiness when I hang out with a new friend, or wake up realizing I can't wait to participate in my own life.