The landslide brought me down

My 34th birthday is quickly approaching, and now more than ever I'm aware of the reality of change and the necessity of it as well. Change isn't a thing to dread, as if it will take you down and ruin you, leaving you a confused shell of your former self. If I'm honest with myself, my former self needed changing, no matter the cost. And what is that cost? Pain. My heart aches for people and places that don't even exist anymore, and has held on by the last thin, invisible string just in case the loss is an illusion and I'm only dreaming of the present. It's most incomprehensible to let go of the hands you grasp that are no longer holding on to yours. And to realize that time and distance have not been the only factors in changing the relationship you revere the most, but rather an organic change in that person him/herself that in no way is a reflection of you, but in spite of you and your magical, colorful and bonded past. 33 was a year of amazing and blossoming growth, and its fantastic surprise has made me more hopeful than ever before, b/c I realize the unpredictability of life can work for good, not just a random episode of my bad ole, faithful ole mental illness. I've come to see the fragility of life and its many layers and colors as beautiful and tragic all at once. And waking to a day with another year almost behind me makes me realize that it's worth it- every single tear and giggle has been worth it and I never thought I'd be able to say that even just a few years ago. This song has always conjured up a million epiphanies for me, its words and melody never fail to draw emotion from deep within me. And the questions it asks are so real it's an almost palpable request to take a closer look, have a good cry, linger on the past for a moment and let go. It's about moving on, and I can do that.